I cannot find my penis.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
