The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
