i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
