Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
