She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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