I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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