you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
