So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
