mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
