Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
