Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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