Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
