A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
