Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
