i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
