Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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