and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
