bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
