There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
