I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
