Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
