some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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