my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She even gives head with a lisp.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
