Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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