Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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