Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize