Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
