I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
