And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
