i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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