I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
