Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
