the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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