goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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