Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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