Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize