Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Found your dick twin last night
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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