Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
