Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
