i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
