Just fell off a train. Bad.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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