It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
