I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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