you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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