In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize