I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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