I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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