; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
