When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
