I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
