mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
two words...techno handjob
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
