do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
