evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
