So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
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