And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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