On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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