Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
