Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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