She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
