You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
